I am nothing to the world.
This statement is very true, and I know it very well too. But my knowledge in this will somehow contradict why I am typing this post. But since I have started it, I might as well continue with it.
These 2 days have been quite demoralising to me. I have realised how I need to be changed... drastically. People say that the process is more important than the result. For my case, I care too much about the result, sacrificing the process completely. Perhaps and hopefully the result of this event (call it event A) is the process of a bigger event B, so at least I won't lose out too much. But my sacrificing the process of event A, I am downgrading myself.
Does it matter so much when I downgrade myself? Is it really necessary for us to be upgrading ourselves all the time? On the contrary, upgrading oneself is not always as good as it seems. Like people always say, there is always a peak before the curve starts to drop, and the faster you peak, the faster you drop. But you don't intentionally downgrade yourself. Not that I can help it, and as much as I don't want to, I am.
Perhaps it's the fall. I don't want to end up like 1 or 2 of my friends, who simply think that they are everything to the world. Obviously they are not really accepted by many people. I have a feeling that I am starting to have their mentality. At the same time, I am confident I will not downgrade myself so much, but some things can't be helped... or can they?
I often feel pleased when I am being upgraded. I feel even better when I am being upgraded by other people, because it shows that the way I do things do have an impact on the people surrounding me and are being acknowledged. But at the same time it contributes to my arrogance level subconsciously. Until now I don't know how high my arrogance level is. I used to think that it is nearly zero. Now? Dare not say.
Event B is my ultimate aim, and I want both the process and the result to be paramount. Event A is just a subset, but it is these little subsets that determine my character. Do I not realise it? Am I doing too much for myself, but in the end harming myself? What should I do?
I realised I have been asking myself too many questions - questions that can only be answered by me. Yet I cannot find answers to those questions. I understand that only one person in the world can help me, and that person is me. But I am such a loser, because I can't help myself either.
This has never happened in the past. Perhaps I am growing old, or rather growing up, and I start to realise more things that I won't have realised in my early years anyway. I start to face the reality. There are ways to chicken out, like not facing the facts directly, but I know I can do much better than that. Facing the reality is hard, it creates more hatred when I am not careful. I don't mind, it's others who will mind, and I will regret in the end.
I think the only way is to stop completely. Then think.
This statement is very true, and I know it very well too. But my knowledge in this will somehow contradict why I am typing this post. But since I have started it, I might as well continue with it.
These 2 days have been quite demoralising to me. I have realised how I need to be changed... drastically. People say that the process is more important than the result. For my case, I care too much about the result, sacrificing the process completely. Perhaps and hopefully the result of this event (call it event A) is the process of a bigger event B, so at least I won't lose out too much. But my sacrificing the process of event A, I am downgrading myself.
Does it matter so much when I downgrade myself? Is it really necessary for us to be upgrading ourselves all the time? On the contrary, upgrading oneself is not always as good as it seems. Like people always say, there is always a peak before the curve starts to drop, and the faster you peak, the faster you drop. But you don't intentionally downgrade yourself. Not that I can help it, and as much as I don't want to, I am.
Perhaps it's the fall. I don't want to end up like 1 or 2 of my friends, who simply think that they are everything to the world. Obviously they are not really accepted by many people. I have a feeling that I am starting to have their mentality. At the same time, I am confident I will not downgrade myself so much, but some things can't be helped... or can they?
I often feel pleased when I am being upgraded. I feel even better when I am being upgraded by other people, because it shows that the way I do things do have an impact on the people surrounding me and are being acknowledged. But at the same time it contributes to my arrogance level subconsciously. Until now I don't know how high my arrogance level is. I used to think that it is nearly zero. Now? Dare not say.
Event B is my ultimate aim, and I want both the process and the result to be paramount. Event A is just a subset, but it is these little subsets that determine my character. Do I not realise it? Am I doing too much for myself, but in the end harming myself? What should I do?
I realised I have been asking myself too many questions - questions that can only be answered by me. Yet I cannot find answers to those questions. I understand that only one person in the world can help me, and that person is me. But I am such a loser, because I can't help myself either.
This has never happened in the past. Perhaps I am growing old, or rather growing up, and I start to realise more things that I won't have realised in my early years anyway. I start to face the reality. There are ways to chicken out, like not facing the facts directly, but I know I can do much better than that. Facing the reality is hard, it creates more hatred when I am not careful. I don't mind, it's others who will mind, and I will regret in the end.
I think the only way is to stop completely. Then think.
Labels: Life
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